DIARY OF A GIRL-NEXT-DOOR HEAVY METAL NOVELIST

December 1, 2004
My attorney is fabulously cool. She affirmed my instinct to go back for another round with the band I love. "And don't forget to ask for movie rights," she said. Put a checkmark in the Believer category for her.

This afternoon, I called a friend in the KISSish world to ask for advice.

Him: Quit dealing with the corporate guys and call the person who really does the licensing - Gene.
Me: I would love to, but how do you do that?
Him: Tell him you're an author and you need clearances.
Me: I know, but how do you do that?
Him: Tell him you spoke to me and that I referred you.
Me: I know, but HOW DO YOU DO THAT???
(Slight rustling sound)
Me: What is that noise?
Him: My rolodex.

December 2, 2004
Remember the old days, when I just wouldn't sleep or eat because anything I did other than work on Won't Get Fooled Again seemed superfluous? I've learned to find a better life balance since then, but the pendulum is swinging back toward that "I've got a fire in my gut" passion. Bring it.

I reworked an old licensing request form to gear it toward Mr. Simmons' needs and I sent it off for feedback from the rolodex man. Despite my innate distaste for authority figures, I love editors. Hmmm. I'll figure out the significance of that later.

To whom do I owe credit for last night's guestbook entry? I was amused. Consider yourself invited to the book launching as long as you quit calling me "Babe." Anyone who knows me could tell you that I prefer "Sweet Cans."

December 3, 2004
If there is one thing I'll be good at in this whole book launching project, it will be promoting myself. Because I know myself. What I have not been so good at is knowing KISS. Now I have a coach. It's humbling, but he's a mogul and I'm a neophyte so I respect his advice. Remember Luke Skywalker and Yoda on Dagobah? I outwhined Luke today. It was pathetic. Luckily, the teacher in this scenario told me to shut up a little quicker.

Me: Can you give me some feedback on my cover letter to Mr. Simmons?
Yoda: It's dry. Too professional.
Me: I didn't want to come off as an idiot fanfiction writer.
Yoda: Gene doesn't care if you're an idiot.
Me: Ohhhhhh.

(There's a lightsaber joke in here somewhere, but I don't want to come off as slutty.)

Yoda's Voice in My Head: Listen to the Force, Colette. What does it tell you?
Me: Gene doesn't care if I'm slutty!?!?
Yoda: You are almost a Jedi now.

December 4, 2004
I love last night's journal entry. If geeky and sexy ever come to mean the same thing, Hugh Hefner will pay me a lot of money to be Miss December. Unfortunately, Hugh Downs is probably the only guy who finds my combination alluring. Hugh Grant? I haven't given up that fantasy.

I reworked my cover letter. Now it's as corny and suckuppy as I could muster. I sent it off to the Jedi Master for feedback.

And things keep trucking along in the publishing world. I need to contact the cover artist and maybe even schedule a session with a photographer for an author portrait. Fishnets and a pocket protector? If only I were joking...

December 5, 2004
For most of the day, I wrote business emails, including one to a publicist Heidiva recommended after meeting her for work with our friend Jennifer (Miss Amputee). While I've been a pretty good 1-woman publicity machine, I would love to have time to do nothing but focus on corporate sponsors for the Won't Get Fooled Again book tour.

I got the go ahead from my publisher to get promotional photos taken (with hopes of adding one to my book bio), so I headed to SaveMart for my quarterly pilgrimage. Gone are the days when the majority of my SaveMart budget went toward lipsticks and body lotion. Now, I head straight to the wrinkle cream and hair dye aisles. At least they still think I'm a diva at Thursday night karaoke. Or not.

December 6, 2004

10 Reasons Why People Think Ashlee Simpson and I
Are the Same Person

Mysteriously darker hair this year Voluptuous older blond sisters Acid reflux problems (Ewww. No way. That's just her.) Utter lack of musical talent (What!? Have you never heard me sing Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves?) Tremendous potential to knock the literary world on its ass (I'm fairly convinced only one of us can read. Whose idea was this entry anyway?)

December 7, 2004
I met with Kurt Doan today to discuss possible photo set-ups. I'm so excited to work with him again. He is the artiste who took the pictures used on the Living the Fantsay DVD label. One of the pictures was considered a little racy at the time, and although it is rated 100% PG, I've never posted it here. Kurt has even more provocative ideas this time around. Sheer excitement; sheer elegance. Or perhaps just plain sheer. Holy crap. Ashlee Simpson wishes she were as sexy as I'm going to be. I need to kick my occasional flings with Gym up a notch. Or get some morals.

Two faux fur coats and a few strings of pearls later (thanks, Salvation Army!), I'm thinking I'm going to have the coolest author bio picture at Amazon.com. I can't focus on this corporate sponsorship stuff for the life of me. It's boring numbers stuff. I'm the visionary, not the accountant/researcher. It sucks, but if that's what I have to do, I will do it -- and, God as my witness, I will do it while looking fabulous. (continue)