DIARY OF A GIRL-NEXT-DOOR HEAVY METAL NOVELIST
December
19,
2006
Jeez Louise - Christmas is less than a week away, and I haven't bought
all the presents I want. That sounds
bad, but that's the funny reality this year. I have a relative who is
unable to do the traditional shopping thing, so he gives shopping money
to another relative who, unbeknownst to the wheelchaired fellow, gives
us the money to buy gifts for ourselves. On Christmas, we unwrap our gifts
and pretend we're surprised. "Oh -- you didn't. How did you know
I wanted the life-size Paul Stanley action figure??? You sweet thing!!!"
It's win/win, but I have a natural guilt gene that fires up when I spend
money on things that aren't practical. Unfortunately, I've been told that
toilet paper and tampons probably wouldn't make a proper gift. Doggone
it.
December
23, 2006
I'm done with my day job until 2007, so I'm trying to make up for 3 months
of absence at my favorite KISS online discussion boards and getting some
clean laundry ready for its trip to Florida next week. I checked Who's
Afraid of a Large Black Man?
December
25, 2006
Merry KISSmas, everybody! I'd stick around for some cheer, but I want
to go watch my new copy of Nacho
Libre
January
6, 2007
Happy new year! I just got back from weeks with my own family and the
in-laws. In the battle of who is most neurotic, it would be tough to declare
a clear winner. All I know is that I didn't win the Shaw Cup this year,
I have a cold, and I'm still wearing dirty undergarments because my flight
home was cancelled last night after a long, humid delay. I'm glad to be
home, and I'll be back in action as soon as I've had a warm shower. The
good news is, I'm ready to get a little grittier so I can be richer, thinner
and more superficial in 2007.
January
8, 2007
Maybe it's a bad sign that I used the Borders gift card I got for Christmas
on a DVD
Today I had to go back to the day job after a week of beach combing and red meat. Two different people stopped by my office and said they'd read and enjoyed Won't Get Fooled Again. Both of them commented on my new (much shorter) haircut, and then asked, "Was your book character a little bit like you?" Ugh. In my old life of long hair and short skirts, no one questioned the similarities between Suzanne Curtis and Colette Shaw. Now, I'm hoping that Billy Joel Syndrome hasn't stripped me of my ulterego.
There is hope. My ambition is starting to whisper to me like Gollum did to Sméagol. I try to hide it, but my sense of self-importance will probably take over soon. Last night, I thought seriously about contacting Charles Barkley to ask whether he'd like to collaborate on some world-changing projects. If nothing else, I started pricing exercise equipment last night so I could eventually slither back into a teenie skirt.
January
10, 2007
I've done my best to show a solid work ethic and team spirit at my day
job this year. Now I'm ready to stretch. Yesterday, I was jotting items
on my To Do list, and I casually added "Write New Book Outline."
I really meant it, too. I need to develop a strategy for managing my time,
but I'm ready to pound out a nonfiction ass kicker. If nothing else, I
need to carve out time to find the best title ever. All the ones I've
liked so far have had vulgarity in them.
January
11, 2007
I wrote a letter to Charles
Barkley today asking him if he'd like to collaborate on some work.
What the heck. He's amazing, and I share similar goals. There have been
stranger pairings.
In book land, I followed through
with writing an outline for my book. I even made some notes within the
chapter titles. When I was done, I crossed "Write New Book Outline"
off my To Do list, and I added, "Write 250 Words of New Book."
Yesterday, I heard my first supervisor and mentor, Sarita
Maybin
January
15, 2007
I was drying off in the shower this morning when my fella knocked on the
bathroom door and announced, "They closed your day job today."
I couldn't believe it. I'd assumed that in Upstate New York, everything
stays open all the time. When I grew up in this region, my dad was my
school superintendant, and it felt like we had to go to school no matter
what. One of the chores I'll miss today is picking up some new skirts
for work. At about 1:00 this afternoon, I went out and scraped about an
inch of ice off my car and drove about a block before I realized that
it really was too nasty out to go clothes shopping. I'd risk my
life for great shoes, but not work clothes. Maybe Mother Nature didn't
want me to out-glam her. What a b*tch.
January
17, 2007
I'm feeling the wrath of the lovely but unanticipated snow day this week.
I'd hoped to spend some post-work time writing a few pages for my next
book, but I haven't caught up with my day job details and I had to rely
on on my chivalrous partner for rides since I threw in the towel and took
my carto the garage. I don't think I mentioned that I've been driving
without a windshield wiper motor during this winter storm week. Good news:
The car dealer washed my car. The bad news: It's 15 friggin' degrees!
My car locks were frozen by the same people who were supposed the care
for my vehicle. They killed me with kindness.
January
25, 2007
I've moved so many times that I made a policy that I'd never turn down
a social invitation. This week I had my first outting with a new friend.
We were invited to a Mary Kay "free facial" party. The hostesses
are people I genuinely like, but the concept kills me. I hate wrinkles,
but when someone is trying to convince me that I a 4-step cleansing and
exfoliating will make me a better human being, I have to wonder, "Do
they know me at all?" Allow me to illustrate: I used to go to work
everyday with soaking wet hair because I wouldn't bother to blow dry it.
Since I have a new job, I'm trying to make a good impression, so I have
dry hair everyday. On my 20-minute commute, I turn all the air vents straight
at my head at maximum heat and full blast. By the time I reach my parking
place, the daily face-petrifying ritual is complete. I'm surprised my
cheeks don't have dandruff.
But, who am I kidding? I love red lipstick, so I'm going back for a full glamour workover in two days. Failure to subscribe to a skin-care regimen may make me a heathen, but thick black eyeliner is fabulous.
January
30, 2007
I went to my Mary Kay glamarama over the weekend, where I heard such things
as, "Make sure you use our make-up remover because bed mites love
to eat mascara" and "Once you use our lip resin with special
micromoisture beads, you'll never use Chapstick again." Don't get
me wrong. I love the Mary Kult products, but the whole Stepford vibe is
just weird. I'll buy some products, but I'm still going to sleep in my
mascara (sometimes) and take pleasure in a tube of 99¢ Blistex. This
weekend, I'm going to be an ice fishing widow, and I can't wait to spend
my free time giving myself a facial and trying out my new lipsticks. I
just pray that I don't catch the Kay fever and wind up in a pink lab coat,
telling intelligent women, "For only $300, you can have this very
reasonably priced anti-aging system, complete with a free tote bag!"
(Continue)
