Diary of a Girl-Next-Door Heavy Metal Novelist

DIARY OF A GIRL-NEXT-DOOR HEAVY METAL NOVELIST

January 12 , 2005
I think there is nothing more sublime than taking yourself out for a grande decaf pumpkin latte and a giant Rice Krispies™ treat for dinner. It's especially nice when you've just gotten the courage up to ask your employer for a pretty something and he didn't quite say no. Even better when you've received your manuscript from your editor a week earlier than anticipated.

Now I can start dreaming of my book star tour in the 37 ft. Winnebago™. Perhaps I should think smaller at first...maybe a smaller used model. I checked out this lovely 1978 model over my vacation. '78 was the year of the KISS solo albums - a good sign? Check out the retro rust-colored shag carpeting that lines the bunk - and every other surface area. If you look closely, you can see the faux wood paneling in the cockpit. My brother and I tested the two most important accessories - the CB radio and mirror. I forgot to check, but I'm pretty sure the AM radio worked just fine.

January 13, 2005
Did I happen to mention that the promoter of the Cincinnati KISS Expo is going to give me a celebrity table? No? Well, something like that. I'm going to help them with their promotions, and he's going to hook me up with a table. It's the best kind of bartering. I don't mind donating prizes if it helps the expos stay healthy. Suffice it to say, I can't wait to hit my old home of southwest Ohio this spring.

I felt very much like Dean Shaw today at my day job. On Saturday night, the lead singer of KISS Nation referred to me by that title from the stage and I felt like I was a million years old. Today, I was energized and, dare I say, impassioned. For the first time in months my nervous eye twitches stopped. To add to my delight, tonight my editor mentioned that she thought I looked 16-years-old. A healthy diet of higher education and rock & roll is the secret. If that doesn't work, dye your hair, buy tons of wrinkle cream and find a career and hobbies that attract the not-so-attractive. You'll look like a supermodel just by being average. Take it from me, Dean Shaw: There's a fountain of youth in the pool of smarties and freaks. I'm bilingual, since I speak speak fluent smartie and freak. I can teach you conversational phrases if you'd like to infiltrate either club, but you'll have to buy your own hair dye.

January 14, 2005
I've been invited to a spring film festival to show my documentary. This is great news for promo purposes. I've also learned of a small club nearby that I'm going to talk to about a screening. Tonight, I worked on a new press release for my potential PR agent and phenomenal friends who have offered to talk to bookstores in their areas about author appearances.

I've had some requests for samples of conversational smartie and freak. Let's see...

Please send your own examples for a critical analysis. Rock on.

January 15, 2005
I'm in a creative haze right now. I wrote a version of Won't Get Fooled Again's back cover blurb that I'm pretty sure will be the winning entry. It wrote itself while I was standing in line at the Arby's at the mall. Strangely, it's probably the first time I've gone to the mall in the past four years that I actually wanted to. Maybe I needed the smell of curly fries and horsey sauce to stir my creativity.

Tomorrow night, I'll be working on final manuscript revisions, then I have to call my publisher this week to set some deadlines for full submission. After that, typesetting. The only thing that stands in the way now is a final trip to my copyright attorney.

We're moving toward Valentine season, friends. Can you stand the suspense?

January 16, 2005
Logged 8 hours at the day job and I have to go back tonight. I must admit that I'm already liking this semester a lot more than the previous term. I had a few minutes to start going through my editor's notes, but I'm going to have to go back when I can give it my full attention. Halfway through January, I give 2005 an A+.

January 17, 2005
Tony Twist, maybe it's a little too early in our relationship to tell you, and maybe it would be more appropriate to tell you in a way other than posting it on my website, but I think I love you.

January 18, 2005
When things start rolling, I can barely keep my breath. I set up an appointment with my attorney for next Monday and then had a lengthy conversation with the press people. Not press as in the media; I mean the literal printing press people. What an education. I've been so tired at night, I've been hesitant to work on my editor's notes for fear of inserting typos when I'm just supposed to be fixing inappropriate ellipses (that's what you call dot dot dots, which I tend to use gratuitously...). That doesn't mean I'm not fired up, though. I'm going to plow through my part of the editing this weekend. I could conceivably have this puppy ready to go in less than a week.

Since I don't trust myself to write something of substance, I've devoted some time to the 2005 Valentine. I was hoping to keep it to one page this year, but it seems to be another behemoth. My address list is also growing every year. I can't really have that many friends. Funny how it's easier to believe myself a bitch than to admit that I'm just getting older. I guess when the list starts shrinking again I'll know I'm really old - dot dot dot

January 19, 2005
I got 8 hours of sleep last night. This must be the bizarro Colette world. Next thing you know, I'll be eating breakfast, doing housework and listening to adult contemporary radio stations.

As I was making corrections my editor suggested and wondering whether I should just call it a night, I checked my email and I had a message from someone I've never met.

Haven't heard me bitch about my day job lately, have you? Nope. Happy Dean Shaw strikes again! I was on the front page of the local newspaper for something positive this morning, and compelling opportunities are availing themselves faster than I can say, "Don't forget, I'm going to be a big celebrity writer soon." 2005 is a very very good year. What a difference two months makes. I think I like this bizarro world. Bring on Barry Manilow!

January 20, 2005
I went to see my friend Damion Wolfe play tonight. He recorded one of the songs on the Living the Fantasy documentary. I'm so tuckered out, I left early, skipped my weekly karaoke night with friends, and snuggled into bed. Mmmmmmm. Speaking of the doc, I might have a chance to screen it at another film fest. More soon.

Tony Twist, I no longer love you. I didn't realize you'd taken a bite out of the First Amendment after all the wonderful things I'd read that involved you. Still, I don't think you can stop my art.

My favorite trib band, KISS Nation is playing in Jacksonville, FL next month. As of a week ago, both of my siblings live in Jacksonville. I think it's time to do some KISSfiction promotion in the sunshine state. KISS Nation has asked me to collaborate on something they've concocted for the NY/NJ KISS Expo in May. Ambitious, exciting, over-the-top... Let's just call it perfection.

January 22, 2005
What a perfect day. Due to the weather, I didn't have to meet the 7:30 a.m. bus that was supposed to take me to day job duties, I snuggled up in bed and watched the world from inside my own personal snowglobe. While I was nestled under the covers editing, the phone rang. It was my best friend from high school, whom I probably haven't talked to since my freshman year of college. It went something like this: