DIARY OF A GIRL-NEXT-DOOR HEAVY METAL NOVELIST

November 19, 2004
Decision made.

And now, let's celebrate by returning to the funny, sexy days of the old diary...

Except I have to rehearse for tomorrow night's orchestra concert, doggone it. But in the spirit of funny and sexy, I will practice the The Divine Comedy in a pair of stilettos.

November 20, 2004
Best. Concert. Ever. At intermission, I kept saying, "I think I played everything right! I really did!" That's a first, and a huge deal for me - especially since every single piece had a meaty, fun percussion part. I don't recall having such a great repertoire in my entire time with the ensemble. The whole experience was a drummer's dream. And I love any excuse to wear fishnets. I can't wait to hear the CD.

My dad and sister/editor are here, and in addition to the standing ovation they provided, they helped me concoct plans for my future. My family is amazing and a valued part of the KISSfiction ground crew. Heather brainstormed corporate sponsor possibilities and Dad is stewing on some tour bus ideas. It's really all about the bus. And fishnets.

November 21, 2004
My sister and I had our first editing tension today over the most delicious brunch you could imagine. In the Tao of KISSfiction, I'm sure there is a yin/yang relationship between word choice disagreements and fluffy oatmeal pancakes.

November 22, 2004
So this is what it feels like to smile for 3 days straight. It's wonderful. But being happy doesn't make for entertainment. Oops.

In my author world, I tend to categorize people as believers, nonbelievers or coattailers. Believers are people who can vividly picture me as a writer/slash/celebrity-writer. They start sentences with, "When you're signing books you should..." or "At the Playboy Mansion, you'll have to remember to..." Nonbelievers avoid the topic of rock & roll literature and shift from foot to foot if I happen to invoke the name of Mr. Simmons (which I rarely do with these wastes). It is the coattailers who piss me off the most, though. They pretend to be believers, but when it comes right down to it, they just want to say that they know you IN CASE your dreams come true. "Oh yeah, I used to work with her. She always said she was going to be a big-time novelist. I could probably get you her email address if you wanted."

The Docu-man, on a break from NYU Film School, popped in on Friday to say hello, and my Aunt Paula called tonight. I hope I am as big a believer in them as they have been in me. It's folks like these who provide accountability for me. For the rest, it will be my pleasure to send my burly bodyguard and personal K-9 unit after your asses. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.

November 24, 2004
You can pretty much bet that when you wake up and mistakenly wash your hair with shower gel that the day's outlook isn't great. Good thing I'm on a roll. I drove back from a quick visit to Annapolis and had to go to work, but while I was there, my cell rang.

Me: Hello?
Phone: (Serious, massive power chord)
Me: Uh, hello?
Phone: Hey! It's Joe. I just finished your book. It's fantastic. I had to put on the Who to celebrate.

My assistant loves my book AND he's been nominated for the Walt Disney Teacher of the Year Award. We're on more than a roll.

My corporate sponsorship How To books arrived today and the date for the Indy KISS Expo was announced. I have work to do, suckers. Have a happy Thanksgiving!

November 28, 2004
The day before I left for the holiday, I washed my hair in aromatherapy body gel. After four days of pampering from my dad, I came home and spent the afternoon at my favorite stylist's getting my scalp massaged and my hair nourished with loving lotions. I squeezed a dollop of corporate sponsorship research into each day of the break, but isn't being a celebrity author really about being fabulous? Hell, I even had Gym getting me sweaty tonight to help take care of any extra Thanksgiving indulgences. As he made clear, even after a day at the salon, it's nice to get dirty. Christina Aguilera, who is not a celebrity author, but does have a lot of hair, would probably agree.

November 29, 2004
I'm a whore for intellectual bribery. My ego bloats and my eyes widen with the anticipation of true engagement. My family would tell you that my fatal flaw is self righteousness. I'd prefer to think of it as idealism. My big "I'm gonna live the fantasy g*d*mmit!" speech from last week is now muddled in idealism's kryptonite --- the counteroffer.

I don't have to decide today, so let's continue with the plan to get a tour bus and get the f*ck out of Dodge, shall we? If my dream job comes along in the meantime, it will have to share the driving with my assistant Joe.

And, hey, let's talk about Joe. He not only finished reading Won't Get Fooled Again, but he's begun casting the movie. I love when readers do that because it means my characters are real to them. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that he cast himself and me as two of the main actors, but since Joe is a nominee for the Walt Disney Teacher of the Year Award, I'm sure his instincts are laser sharp.

November 30, 2004
I've been so caught up in the drive by quitting of my job that I've neglected to mention a small detail about tomorrow. I'm meeting with my copyright attorney to get a final opinion about my relationship with the hottest band in the world. I love KISS. Love them. I would do just about anything to make sure they are compensated in accolades, fictional grandeur and pesos. Of course I'd prefer not to be squashed like a bug in a lawsuit brought on by the behemoths of rock, but that's barely worth mentioning. (Continue)